Ranaldi Way of Life

I have seen death, I have watched it, nursed it and cleaned up after it… death did not scare me.

And yet there I stood leaning over what once was the powerful man who raised me, gripping his cold. weak, wrinkled hand; whispering into his ear, “I love you Pop” …and I was trembling with fear inside.

I didn’t fear death, I feared watching thte man I loved so dearly-die.  I feared the reality of what I knew was to come, the truth I had so often before seen and bene a part of-death.

My stomach knotted up with anguish as I saw the color slowly drain from his face and I knew…I knew the time was coming.

My breath caught in my throat every time I watched him breathing in his sleep and his breath would pause momentarily. I wouldnt realize I was holding my breath until he inhaled again and so did I..

Hearing his voice cry out for someone, anyone to help him, hold him… BE with him…. I will never forget the tremor in his voice….the understanding that came to me:he is afraid.

I wish I could close my eyes and see anything but his pale pale face gasping or air..getting whiter and whiter with each attempt.then as if white wasn’t a horrid enough color for this beloved man of mine to be, he began turning blue and all I could do was watch and whisper “I love you Pop” into his hear .I wish I could close my eyes and NOT remember those final breaths…the final breaths that will forever haunt me…