I have seen death, I have watched it, nursed it and cleaned up after it… death did not scare me.

And yet there I stood leaning over what once was the powerful man who raised me, gripping his cold. weak, wrinkled hand; whispering into his ear, “I love you Pop” …and I was trembling with fear inside.

I didn’t fear death, I feared watching thte man I loved so dearly-die.  I feared the reality of what I knew was to come, the truth I had so often before seen and bene a part of-death.

My stomach knotted up with anguish as I saw the color slowly drain from his face and I knew…I knew the time was coming.

My breath caught in my throat every time I watched him breathing in his sleep and his breath would pause momentarily. I wouldnt realize I was holding my breath until he inhaled again and so did I..

Hearing his voice cry out for someone, anyone to help him, hold him… BE with him…. I will never forget the tremor in his voice….the understanding that came to me:he is afraid.

I wish I could close my eyes and see anything but his pale pale face gasping or air..getting whiter and whiter with each attempt.then as if white wasn’t a horrid enough color for this beloved man of mine to be, he began turning blue and all I could do was watch and whisper “I love you Pop” into his hear .I wish I could close my eyes and NOT remember those final breaths…the final breaths that will forever haunt me…

2 Replies to “Upon His Last Haunting Breath.”

  1. I wish I had the words to express how reading this makes me feel or feel for you. You have always had a way with words and this post is even haunting from 3000 miles away. I wish I could be there for you and let you feel like I was there for you. i love you squek!

  2. Oh my dear friend….I know there are no words I can even attempt to share to comfort you. I am so very sorry for your loss, and for the hurt and pain. Your friend Adrianna is so right about your way with words. Between having been through a loss like this with my own grandparents and your words, I sit here crying and feeling your pain. Hugs and prayers for you, my sweet, sweet, friend. Love you..

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