So of course Lent is still going on, I haven’t forgotten about it, but I dont have anything fantastical to report about either. Ive had a rough last few days emotionally and physically. The fundraiser event took a toll oh me and I still dont think I’ve recovered. My feet are covered in blisters and my muscles ache. You would think that once a big event were over you would be able to sleep the best you ever had, but no. Ive tossed and turned and woken up every other hour then by 530am when the kids come creeping into my room I am beyond disgruntled that my last few moments of possible sleep are now gone. So I do what all tired mother’s do; put on some cartoons, make some coffee and serve a simple and quick breakfast so I can relax and sip my warm wake-me-up. And thus my day has begun.
I have been hit with wave after wave of unepected emotions ranging from excitement, fear, anxiety, sadness and anger. This fundraiser was my baby, my life for the last few weeks and with the recent changes in the Foundation this year was even more important than the years before. Because of this I began to get irritated with others and frustrated with my lack of support/help. I understand that the vision is my own and not everyone has to be passionate about my cause, but these are people that I thought cared about my family and loved my children…were this to be true I would genuinely expect them to want to be involved. Yes I used the word “expect”. As much as I try not to, I have expectations sometimes and as one would predict, I am disappointed time and time again. Anyway, this year it got increasingly difficult for me to smile and continue on selling my event to people that didn’t have time to care, or adjust their busy schedule to maybe take a night off work or school to support a cause that means life or death for my family. And no, I dont expect anything less than what I believe I would do for them myself, were they to ask me for help. Granted, there are some exceptions and situations that are out of our control when it comes down to it and I understand if someone is sick or their situation doesn’t allow for a “day off” school/work… but when I have over 200 friends on this Facebook thing and less than a handful of them actually offered to help/show up it makes me wonder…
SO then as I am sorting through these thoughts I begin to realize how much I am on the “outside” of my own life. I feel like I am back in high school again wishing I was included and part of the cool crowd, yet this time I don’t have my best friend by my side to pretend like we don’t care. By the time we tried to be involved in the bible studies and after school events to grow closer to our very small graduating class of 2002 it was too late. I don’t blame them, we walked around like we didn’t need anyone else so I get it but I don’t think I do that now. I have always been on the outside of my own family, BOTH sides of it. My grandparents never understood me or saw who I was, only who they thought I should be. I have family with the potential of being awesome and close like big families should be, in fact from the outside taht’s what they look like but for whatever reason I am not a part of that. I used to blame the physical distance yet when time after time my family comes within miles of where I live but dont stop by to say hi… It makes me begin to wonder do they even want to include me in their life? I would open my doors to them anytime! I can brush it off and act like I dont care but it’s family. I do care…
Okay then I turn to my church family for support and with this broken hearted skeptical view I look around and don’t feel like I fit in here either. There’s a group of people my husband and I went to school with that as much as I want to, I dont really fit in with them. I used to blame the fact that I was young, but had kids on not fitting in…but that’s not really it. I am just not one of them and having kids just makes it that much more obvious. They are such a close knit group and they love, encourage and support one another. Best of all is that God is the center of it all. I wish I was a part of it. Because they are amazing people they are kind to me, but no matter how nice they are the truth of it is, I am still on the outside.
I realize that not every day of my life is spent feeling like this. But the times I do feel included/a part of the family just make me want it that much more. Or the times where I watch everyone else supporting one another and I am a part of that support system but dont feel like I get the same response in return…it’s a lonely feeling. I wouldn’t change what I do or how I do it for other people…. but that doesnt make the situation any less frustrating. Maybe I haven’t found “my group” yet. and that’s okay…. but while time passes it is rough to be tired and emotional and feeling like you arent being accepted or respected for you you are and what you do. I want to be wanted, I think most people do lol. Maybe I am just disfunctional and needy and have to learn to live w these feelings knowing that the reality of the situation is much different. If that’s the case, I wish I knew how to get my emotions to reflect reality.
I have been blessed in my life with three beautiful children, a wonderful husband and many many people throughout my life that have been there for me when I neeeded it. Dont get me wrong, I AM grateful for what God has given me. I just dont understand how to “fit in” without turning out fake because Im trying SO hard, or how to live with the on and off feelings of being on the outside of my own life if thats just the way things are meant to be. I feel like I need to take a HUGE step back and re evaluate things. This thought terrifies me because I HATE being alone. I will do everything possible to avoid taking my kids out somewhere without a friend or someone with me. I get overwhelmed with the feeling of people looking at me like a struggling single mom or just not having an adult around to keep me sane. Sometimes just the simple act of taking my kids out to eat by myself ends up being a depressing reminder that Eric is not able to be here with us. I know that God can bring comfort and refuge and is the only one I need… it is my human nature, my worldly “need” to want more from the relationships in my life… Maybe I need to learn to give more, be more…
I don’t know. I have no answers for this one, not yet anyway.
Wow do I feel guilty now for not making it to the Kidney Casino- I was happy to go last year and believe me I really wanted to this year, I think it still sounds like it went well and hope you feel that way! I have had these feelings many times too but usually don’t admit them to people, maybe we all do. In fact it’s why I decided to take the blog in the direction I did and try and help people build up their village- because I know how much I need one! I really felt this acutely after Grace was born, you know you and a single male friend of ours are the only one who came to our house to meet Grace and bring food? Despite all of my desperate posts on FB, emails and the fact that I had what I thought was a supportive church group, and a lot of extended family here in San Diego! It hit hard and those first few months of adjustment really made me question a lot of my relationships. I am slowly learning how to find support and give it. Two keys I’ve found: You have to have people who are in the same place in life you are. No matter how much you love your single friends or friends with no kids they just can’t understand where you are. (Also I imagine with the PKD it is hard for people not affected by it or a serious disease to really get how much it means to you). I love my old friends but have learned that I just have to let them be friends online or from a distance or something and not really depend on them day to day since they just don’t get where I’m at. The second thing is wow I am tired it was important and it was a good one I swear but I now have no idea what it was! LOL see thats why I need moms around me who can relate! Have you tried meetup.com? Thats how I’ve found all my great mommy groups I’m in now. I wish we lived a little closer together… Just remember you will feel like this at times but you are not alone or on the “outside” you do have friends who love you (and family too) and more importantly you have one who sticks closer than a friend and loved you enough to die for you! I love you too and am praying for you.