So I realize, I have been rather absent as of late… this is due to many many MANY unfortunate (and some fortunate) factors. A lot has been going on and I have been desperately scrambling; arms full and world spinning to find some solid ground to stand on. Time isnt just ticking away, it seems to be flying faster than the speed of sound! I am frantically doing all that I can to find the imaginary ‘pause’ button so I can simply catch my breath, maybe pick up some broken pieces of my life and maybe… just maybe catch up to where I left off. I am finding new things each day that I have forgotten about; things I volunteered for or made a commitment to do. I am overwhelmed with my current lack of time management and follow through… It’s just not me. But lets back up a little bit and go over a few things that were me but I have recently trampled great demons to overcome….
I have successfully taken each and every moment presented to me to consciously base my decisions on what will be best for me and my family. I have actively caught myself in the midst of wanting to drop everything and give myself entirely to someone or something, but chose to take a step back and reevaluate my priorities and values at that moment. I have distanced myself from people and situations that were previously sucking the life out of me. It makes me smile when I think about the specific times I was able to say, “no I am sorry, I can’t” and know that a month or two ago I wouldn’t have done that….I couldn’t do it. I am conquering fears and accomplishing great feats that I never imagined were possible…. I am solving problems that for years I have denied existed; changing my life entirely for the better… slowly but surely!
Now in the middle of all these great changes I know that Satan is beating at my back; trying desperately to shatter my success. Day after day I am facing a new dilemma or struggle that could easily take up everything that I have to give to simply calm the waves of that particular storm… Each new direction I look to I see a new crisis that will take time to unwind and untangle the mess. This is extremely hard for me when I have been workign so hard to not over extend myself or overwhelm myself if it wasnt necessary. Not every problem is my problem and not every one of my problems is a big problem.
One problem I am having is with Kaelob. It seems like every other day the school is calling me to bring him home. Last week I even had to go meet the bus wherever it was on it’s route and get him off the bus! Things are just getting worse, his behavior is escalating and his agression increasing in it’s intensity. I am not sure what we are going to do. The school is trying to work with me and help him but every time I meet with them there is a new specialist working at the school, working with him and it always ends up with me feeling like I am educating them rather than them educating me. He certaintly needs something and I cant give him his Daddy back…. so he will just have to wait like everyone else with parents that travel for their work.
Another problem I am dealing with is the fact that my grandparents have been supporting freeloaders for the last few years and have been too afraid to deal with things. They had no one to take their place and knew it would take a village to get this couple out of their guest house. Something suddenly changed their minds and they were willing to take Eric and I up on our offer to move our family into the guest house. They received their 30 day notice last Saturday and must be off the property no later than 5pm November 15th. We all hope that they will be inticed by the rather large lump sum of money that my grandfather has offered to give them in exchange for their timely departure. Anyway, even once they get out of the house my family will need to do repairs and then we will discuss moving in… so basically the entire process of packing, unpacking, and moving is going to begin again… One plus side to this situation is this time I will not be recovering from having my kidney removed! Eric is worried he will not be home for this move because he will probably be going from this job in Arizona to another job in Nevada and will be working their through the end of December. We will see how it unfolds.
Praise God that so far so good. The couple, although they have thrown a few temper tantrums that they were supposedly promised four months to move out when they first came to live there, have remained rather peaceful. The boyfriend is a very shady creature who seems to enjoy collecting weapons (handmade at that) and most definitely is involved with drugs and probably has multiple warrants out for his arrest at this very moment. My grandparents of course knew none of this when they agreed to allow them to move in almost 4 years ago. Despite an earth shattering scream and some crazy antics of running up and down the driveway yelling and confronting my grandparents on the day of the initial confrontation and presenting of the eviction notice…. He has remined inside their home and not shown his face or said a word to anyone in our family since. The girlfriend has made it entirely clear that she is upset they were “promised” 4 months notice and now only get 30 days and tried playing the innocent victim card because they have a 9 year old son and apparently it is now our fault that they will be living in the gutter and their child will suffer. “we are breakign his heart and letting him down”. BULL.
I care about them as family friends because my father and mother have known them for years, however my grandparents and their health come first. My grandfather is getting mysterious nose bleeds in the middle of the night adn trying to hide them from everyone. My grandfather struggles with holding a conversation with you and spends hours in his office sifting through old bills and paperwork desperately trying to find something to do or a reason to be in there. He is lost and fighting to find his way back; the odds are not in his favor. My grandmother is crazy and will probalby be driving our entire family crazy until the day she finally dies. I know this sounds horrible but trust me its out of love that I say this. lol. If you knew her, you would truly understand. She demands everything from you and yet doesnt actually say anything to you. In her world you are expected to read her mind and know everything that you are required to do in order to gain her resepct and appreciation…. maybe even love. As an adult I have learned to approach and deal with her differently than I did when I was younger. (Thank God!) Anyway, point being she is difficult to live with, difficult to deal with…difficult to please and yet we are all down there running circles around her trying to keep the peace for my grandfather’s sake. He has spent his entire life loving her with unconditional patience and support. They have been married 64 years and although I have no clue how or why they have managed to do this, I find it inspiring and encouraging for my own marriage. My grandfather is an amazing kind hearted soul and to watch them buckle under all this stress and pressure hurts my heart immensely.
We thought things were going pretty smooth until the other morning my grandmother recieved a long awaited call from her sister informing them that her 91 year old husband hung himself in the shed behind their house. Although he had been sick off and on for years and would go though periods of depression where he would threaten to kill himself while she was at church, we never thought he would actually do it, especially this way! My grandmother’s sister is a strong woman and getting through this trying time. She is very spiritual and goes to church regularly. She had been preparing herself for his impending death for the last year or so and was very calm when talkign on the phone with my grandmother. Even my grandmother took the news well. Ironically enough, the day before I overheard her say to my grandfather, “I am just waiting for my sister to call and tell us Howard has died.” It was more sarcasm than it was truth. Not only was she implying that she was already overwhelmed with everything going on and that would be the last thing they needed to hear right now, but it has also been kind of the family joke wondering if Howard had died yet. This man was like the energizer bunny just the very opposite of cute and cuddly and extremely stubborn and belligerent. One week her sister would call telling us how sick Howard was and that he probably wouldn’t be alive for much longer and then the next week we would hear from her and that day he had been up on the roof replacing shingles! Anyway, my grandmother took this news well but my grandfather is the type of man who mourns over the obituary in the Union Tribune simply because they were his age or he had previously heard their name mentioned somewhere. Dont even get me started with when someone he used to work with, grew up with or was related to died…. it gets worse and worse each time. My grandmother was right; this is the last thing they need right now.
I feel like I am not doing much when I am just bringing down dinner and a baby to roll around and play on the floor to entertain them. It seems to help but I am constantly wondering what else should I be doing… what else IS there to do? and again I am reminded of the boundaries I have recently began building in my life. I feel like I just began to understand how to slow myself down enough to hesitate for just a second before over extending myself and taking on projects larger than I could handle…. opening my heart to people that were destined just to damage it. I have seen now that I can not be down there with my grandparents 24 hours a day or do everything for them without sacrificing far too much time with my own children or exhausting myself beyond repair. It breaks my heart all over again to have to take a step back and hope that someone else will step up and fill my shoes for the time being. I am so proud of myself for readjusting my friendships in my life and putting more time into relationships that are equally rewarding and spiritually supportive rather than the entire social interaction simply being a trigger for my insecurities and damaging to my soul. I have learned to try and distinguish between these relationships before the hurt is done but obviously have not perfected the technique, especially within my family.
So CHEERS to a new goal for a new day and the strength, courage and patience to achieve this. I will press on and explore new adventures while attempting to glorify God the way He intended me to. I am encouraged by your texts and warmed by your welcoming hugs whenever we are together. Thank you all for supporting me and listening to me when I use this outlet to vent my frustrations, share my fears and admit my failures. I hope each and everyone of you have a wonderfully inspiring week that causes you to see things in a new light and realize what an amazing and awesome God we serve!